Whaaaaa? October 20, 2009

What in the mother lovin, pick-up drivin, banjer playin, white sheet wearin holy hell is going on in South Carolina? First, SC-GOP fundraiser Rusty Depass compares the First Lady to a gorilla. Now, you’d think that this would cause the GOP to invoke some mandatory quiet time in the corner for the rest of the South Carolina arm of the Republican Party. Then again “you” are probably not a Republican from South Carolina and therefor have more than two brain cells to rub together.

A Democratic guest columnist at The State, South Carolina’s Homepage, recently wrote an Op Ed criticizing Sen. Jim Demint (R-SC) for not securing a larger piece of the federal $$ pie for the state. This didn’t sit well with state GOP chairmen, Edwin Merwin (really?) and James Ulmer, lept to Demint’s defense in a letter to The Times and Democrat. While Demint, presumably, sat curled up in a ball in a corner somewhere rocking himself back and forth and blurbing “STOP HELPING YOU’RE NOT HELPING,” Ulmer and Merwin hollered about Demint doing a good job because he was

Wait for it.

watching pennies “like a Jew.”

Did this really happen? (Is something you might be asking yourselves at this very moment.) Is it possible that two human beings who have been able to dress and feed themselves and otherwise operate functionally in the world for several decades would actually have no idea that actually PUBLISHING a letter full of their racist stereotypes might not work out so well for them? That two men who have risen to positions of prominence in a political organization would not posses the political savvy to know that this sort of thing could be incredibly damaging, politically, to their POLITICAL PARTY? And yet, I can’t complain too much. After all, it gives me something bizarre and disturbing to write about besides America’s Next Top Model. Merwin and Ulmer, you go girls! Work!

Poor Snowe. October 14, 2009

Conservative website RedState recently posted a call to action to let Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) know just how they feel about her recent political moves re: the heath care debacle debate. They have a PLAN, goddamnit!

Isn’t that clever? The only possible flaw in that plan, “Erick Erickson,” is that YOU’RE SENDING BAGS OF ROCK SALT TO HER OFFICE IN THE ARCTIC TUNDRA THAT IS MAINE. It’s winter for, like, 9 months out of the year here. She’ll probably send you an Edible Arrangements bouquet to say thank you.

Adding to the confusion is that fact that RedState (again, purposefully not linking to it.) describes itself as “just right of center” and Olympia Snowe is quite possibly the most socialist muslin terrorist liberal to ever sit on the Republican side of the aisle (read: also “just right of center”). You know that the health care discussion is in trouble when a group of people whose political ideologies are separated from a politician’s by a hair (read: imaginary non-existent hair) are prepared to launch a full scale guerilla attack on said politician’s office.

Also, can I have some rock salt too? That has nothing to do with politics, I’m just being thrifty.

Dear Heidi and Spencer: October 14, 2009

I just fast forward through your scenes.

This message brought to you by the wonderful people who invented DVR.

The Bitch is Back ……(?) September 30, 2009

It’s the season premiere of The Hills and oh my god I’ve been waiting for this for months and there’s going to be so much drama now that Kristen is replacing LC and I always hated that chick since Laguna Beach y’all and even though she’s not in high school anymore she’s totally going to be ALL high school and she’s going to fight with every girl on the show and snatch everyone’s boyfriends and it’ll be dramaz! and it’s going to be so much fun to watch and will represent all that is awful/wonderful about reality programming and it’s …it’s… it’s

B-O-R-I-N-G.

It was boring. So very very boring. You see, capturing the creepiness of real people’s real lives is interesting, and things written by professional writers are interesting, but the last thing in the world that anyone wants to watch is a show scripted by the morons who star in it. It is a sad, sad middle ground where nothing entirely makes sense and everyone says, “dude” a lot.

Ditto for you, redheaded step child that is “The City.” Yawn, yawn, yawn. The only interesting moment came out of the starkly contrasted real fight between Olivia Palermo and Erin Kaplan at Elle Magazine, where Olivia appeared to end said fight by ripping off her mic as she exited stage left and yelling about “not f-ing doing this.” Also interesting: what the hell is up with this Erin girl’s face?

I couldn’t stop looking at it; it’s mesmerizing. Everything, including her bangs, squinches up on the right side. Did she have a stroke? Brain/nerve damage from ill-used forceps at birth like Sylverster Stallone? It’s must watch tv! (Note to producers: When the most interesting thing about your show is the asymmetrical face of a secondary character…yeah, nevermind. Just keep doing whatever it is you do and good luck.)

Ugh. It’s Her Again. September 23, 2009

Sarah Palin got paid a dog sled full of money to speak to a bunch of business men in Hong Kong. This happened yesterday, but because of the time difference it may have happened tomorrow, so consider this a Sarah Palin sighting from the future! Oooooooooh! Spooky!

The best part of the AP wire story is the headline: “Sarah Palin Emerges in Asia…” Is she birthing her way out of her cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly? Is she grubbing out of her dirt hole to see/not see her shadow? Are any of these images the kind that a lady politician might want? This must be an example of the liberal media, gettin’ all biase-y and whatnot. Also.

“I’m gonna call it like a see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street, USA,” Palin blathered incoherently, “And how perhaps my view of Main Street … how that affects you and your business.” Where, exactly, is Main Street, Main Street? [Insert "Real America" joke here]. It must be one of those states that should have a bunch of power that Palin alluded to in a recent Facebook post about the Constitution (which is awful even though you know she didn’t write it.) In true Palin fashion, reporters weren’t allowed in the meeting, but somehow managed to smuggle quotes out in their body cavities. Because every step she takes in those hooker heels is regarded as a thinly veiled move toward a 2012 presidential run, the Democratic National Committee had to throw their two cents in, suggesting that she was giving speeches in private because there were other countries she could “see from her window that she doesn’t want us to know about.” Zing! Note to DNC: Who’s writing for you these days, Jay Leno? YOU HAVE TO TRY HARDER THAN THAT.

UPDATE: Direct quotes from the speech, courtesy of the Wall Street Journal, via Wonkette. Someone might want to let her know that the land bridge she’s always thinkin’ ’bout happened many thousands of years before Jesus flew down from heaven and made everything. Someone should also let her know that many of the words that came out of her mouth hole don’t actually mean anything when strung together like that. Oh, hell. What’s the point?

Sorry, Olympia Snowe. September 23, 2009

It all began with a little something I like to call the Bill Weld Effect. Sometimes, Democrats can be lulled into some kind of trance by a socially liberal Republican who seems like a nice enough guy. Meanwhile, said Republican leaves the door open long enough for the cat to get out, and before you know it a conservative Mormon from Utah is the governor of America’s bastion of liberalism. (I’m looking at you, Mittens.) Well, the good commonwealthians  of Massachusetts finally figured out wtf was going on and in 2004 passed a bill to keep Mitten’s temple garmey from selecting a replacement for  John Kerry’s seat in the senate. Yay! Score! Except now Ted Kennedy’s seat is empty and now-governor Deval Patrick (D! …but kind of an assclown) is all, “Ruh-roh!” about it. Not to worry, Deval! Today the Senate passed another bill to fix all that mess, and the governor will soon be able to appoint Kennedy’s replacement, giving Democrats a 60 seat majority in the Senate. Now, everyone who was wooing Maine’s fake Republican Senator, Olympia Snowe, no longer gives a crap. Victory! Except for Olympia. It’s like she’s getting stood up for the prom all over again.

Are You Looking For Someone? September 18, 2009

That anyone had sex and procreated in the 1980s is completely mind-boggling when you consider how ugly and weird everything was. And yet, that Harry Potter lady sold a whole lotta books to a whole lotta kids. Oh well.

Like, Um… September 16, 2009

I was, like, um… I was, um…

Ummm……..

Obama to West: You’re a Jackass September 16, 2009

Everyone’s weighing in on Kanye West’s assclown behavior these days, even President of the United States, Barry Obama! Apparently, this conversation took place in front of reporters, but the set up and sound quality are tres Nixon White House, no?

This is great for so many reasons. A) the President clearly has no idea who Taylor Swift is, which I applaud. She sings horrible music and has weird gopher teeth and the the only reason she won that award is because the voters are all 12 year old girls. B) the President, unlike the vast majority of politicians, appears at times to be an actual real live human being that knows swear words and owns a television and C) ha, ha, Kanye. Most politicians aren’t willing to say anything about anything without forming a committee first, but everyone can agree that Kanye West is a jackass. When politicians mouth off about “reaching across the aisle” all the time, I think they’re talking about this.

ANTM Gets More “Lovinger” Every Season September 14, 2009

I mean, “cycle.” Or, in this cycle’s case, “Le Cycle.” Don’t ask why; it’ll hurt your brain less that way.

Yes, the front-lace-weave-wearing Tyrasaurus Banks cracked open a fresh can of crazy last week, by the debut of both “Le Cycle 13″ of America’s Next Top Model and her snatched-out “natural” hair on The Tyra Show:

JK, y’all. Her hair just looked like some regular old wet hair. Not quite sure what all the fuss is about, other than the act of having someone sewing fifty pounds of stolen Locks of Love into her skull every day seems to make her think that every ticking moment of her life is some kind of major accomplishment. I mean, do you have any idea how difficult it is to sit in a chair for several hours each day, doing absolutely nothing, while people make you look good, and not even be able to scratch your scalp? What is the highest honor a civilian can be awarded by the United States, the Congressional Medal of Freedom? President Barry, health care can wait. GET ON IT.

Diva kicked off the 13th season of ANTM with all the nutjobbery, improbable scenarios, and famewhoremongering behavior we’ve all come to expect and salivate over, lo these many years. 13 may be an unlucky number for most people, but it’s a lucky number for short girls because they’re the only ones allowed on this season (GET IT?). Only models 5′7 and under are eligible to compete for the title of America’s Next Out Of Work Reality Show Contestant this time around. All this industry-shaking excitement caused Tyra Banks to spend the majority of the first episode speaking in a disturbing fake French accent, for reasons known only to Tyra Banks. The highlight of the episode (aside from the girl whose main concern about wearing 8 inch heels is: “I just don’t want to die.”) is by far Jesus-freak, Amber. This special young lady spends her Friday nights feeding and, apparently, dancing for the homeless, and was compelled to audition for ANTM because Jesus wants her to save the world through modeling.

Bask:

Oh boy.

Well, Mr. Jay’s assertion that Amber would crack “in two minutes” was surprisingly accurate, as she did not show up for the competition after being cast due to, “personal issues.” Apparently her shepherd called her home to “shake that thang” somewhere else. So I guess all of you who were looking forward to the world being saved can suck it. Thanks, Jesus.